How much abuse can a man take before stop being polite to the abuser? How much should he take? How much humiliation before starting to humiliate back? How many ulcers and scars and white hairs? How long can a man bite his tongue and gulp the insults down before going insane? I don't want to be mean. Sometimes I don't want to be human. When is self-defense justified? Emotional self-defense. I want to vent. I want to set all this rage loose. I want to punch the sky and tell everybody the last tiny ugly detail of all this shitty affair. I want to expose her, to show my wounds, to stop it all. But I chew on it. I just shut up and shut up and shut up some more. Bother no one. Head down. Be the bigger man, stand your moral ground. Breathe deep. How many storms already, and I'm still here. It will also pass. This shall also pass. I write this and I post it here, secretly, subrepticiously, and I wish for it to cool down, to sublimate and fade. The hate, that I hope is optional. The disgust, that I know is not. The pain, that is neverending. The memory, the triggers, the conditioning, the disappointment. The loss. Oh if I told you. If I just told you everything she did and said. Everything she does. She lives down the rabbit hole, and drags me down, down, down. Breathe. Stay on this side of the looking glass. /16.02.2015